Exodus: The Real Story

Written by Pistol Pete Saturday, 29 May 2010 09:57

We all know how Moses jumped through many hoops and had to do a number of hits on Pharaoh and his minions in order get a well deserved vacation after 400 years of upper management screwing over the little guy even though he was once part of upper management. What goes around comes around. Reality sucks, huh? What is not widely known is what really transpired afterwards.

Moses took off east into the vast Egyptian desert with little knowledge of where he was going, with no GPS, and had thousands of people in tow. Somebody didn’t bother to build a bridge across the Red Sea so God stepped in and paved the way. Moses tossed some shekels into the toll basket and barreled right through. Pharaoh and the local cops were in hot pursuit of the Hebrews, but found the gate locked down because of a large water leak and also had to break off the upcoming 6-o’clock news story because somebody started a big fire and that kept them busy for awhile. Who knew sand would burn?

There were people from many areas and languages with weird hair and clothing hauling a bazillion animals and with luggage too big for overhead storage who signed up for the trip thinking they would arrive at some exotic beach resort with fine hotels and room service. Travel brochures lie. The trip lasted 40 years and the terrain never changed. It must have been like driving on a Kansas interstate in winter. After 5 years they finally stopped at a place called ROCKS-R-US & CASINO in Sinai so everyone could go to the bathroom and get some beef jerky. Moses picked up a couple of stone pamphlets on etiquette from an overheated talking bush to read along the way.

Now to get a concept of this mass of masses, picture Moses behind the wheel of a 1966 Ford station wagon (one with the fake wood grain). Moses is driving, Zipporah, his wife, is on the passenger side and Joshua ‘The Enforcer’ is in the middle. Everyone else and their belongings are in the back. Not only are the animals making a mess, but the multitude of people constantly whine and fight. “He’s touching me!” “He made an idol!” “Somebody farted!” “Are we there yet?!” There were lots of “Are we there yet?!” Yes, the trials and tribulations of a seemingly simple family outing can go into overdrive in no time at all.

After about 15 years Moses tells the others if they don’t stop their fighting he’ll turn right around and go back to Egypt. They didn’t listen so he sent Joshua to the back to cull half of the whiners. The carnage was brutal, but there was quiet for a time and the chickens had pickins. Zipporah wasn’t making things any easier. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Sometimes it unleashes them. “Why don’t you stop at an ESSO and get a map?! Stop driving so fast! Do you see that cart in front of us?! Are we there yet?!” Moses, being a guy, wasn’t about to admit he had no idea where he was headed and instead leaned ever forward and gave platitudes about bringing the children of Israel out of bondage. After about the gazillionth time he said “bondage”, Zipporah snapped. Joshua was caught in the middle as Zipporah pelted Moses with bagels hard enough to be keystones. Total chaos erupted! The trip was going marvelously well.

Moses hunkered down and started weaving all over the desert trying to fend off the onslaught of fossilized leavened bread. Everyone in the back went nuts because they thought they were going to die and Joshua pulled out his sword just in case anyone wanted a piece of him. Animals of every sort broke loose from their moorings and stampeded towards the front seat and many whiners were crushed under hoof and fin. Moses eventually gained back control of the caravan and pulled to a stop, wherein, he ordered everyone out. The first thing he did was take Joshua’s sword away because he nearly lost an ear during the infamous ‘Bagel Debacle’. He then told everyone that if they got out of line one more time the earth would open up and they would be consumed by a giant tangerine. Having never heard of a tangerine, they were terrified and had seen first hand what can happen when Moses got mad. They quieted down and, after they peed, got back in the car (except for Farticus because he had a bowel problem and the others voted him out), whereas, Moses took a hard left north and eventually went east for another 20 years in a round-about way.

They finally arrived at the Israeli border and as they exited the car noticed it looked just like everywhere else they had been. The whining started all over again. Moses got their attention off of it for awhile by asking if they all had their passports ready and to take their sandals off for the security scanners and the animals were all given false identities. He handed Joshua back his sword and told him to keep an eye on everyone and then kissed Zipporah and told her he had some paperwork to finish up and would be along shortly. As what was left of the original multitude disappeared over the horizon he could hear Zipporah still whining about why it took 40 years to go 500 miles. He then saw in the bright sunlight the glint of Joshua’s sword as it came up.

Moses abandoned the car because of the poop, spilt milk, fish bones and trash. Besides, the headliner and seat covers were shot. He walked to an all-night Bedouin bar he spied a couple of miles back and got skunk drunk. He eventually made his way to Monte Carlo (while disguised as a magic stick merchant) and then to New York City before settling in Los Angeles where he landed a part in a movie portraying Charlton Heston, wrote his memoirs, invested in micro-chips, and retired a billionaire on Catalina Island. And the rest, as they say, is history.

RWB
5-26-10